Code Blue

Talk about the BLUEs… I am still seeing red!!

I‘m so disappointed in this guy, I never want to see or hear from him again!

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If you knew how our relationship actually was… you would find the laughable irony in that statement that I do!!  You would also know I miss him more than words can describe. Because apparently, I can do both at the same time.

I was all kinds of “Betcha By Golly Wow”, V for Vulnerable, full-blown ALL over this thing. I could not have been more fucking into him, OR more long suffering for a man who I never even knew the name of.

Oh yes boys and girls… The Universal Design came and worked it’s epic voodoo out of freaking no where, so some nameless son-on-a-bitch could proceed to beat it to death right in front of me.

Because I clearly needed THAT experience!!

Even so, I was still culpable as well. I was clearly so lonely over the holy-days last year, I was susceptible to anything that even hinted of Love & HaPpiness. I own this.  I went fully in -from one look at the man’s eyes.

ONE Look.

FULLY IN!!

Who does that?

I will tell you who. The completely stupid. The obviously desperate. The sickly kind of lonely, that’s who. Someone super gullible. Someone who thought she met ‘the one’, someone who fell in love at first sight. With a picture!

ME.

It begins & ends there, doesn’t it?

Once lit… I did everything I could humanly do to keep my end of the thing, alive. I can tell you true, I did not want to see that miraculous energy die. The power in it… it was absolutely extraordinary. It was the kind of love that heals. The kind of love that moves mountains, shifts paradigms, alters Universes. The kind of love songs and romance novels are written about. The kind of love people will die for.

I surely did.

Fiction?

Unfortunately, when someone in the relationship is that adamant about sabotaging  it, they are able to with ease. I decided to stop watching him bludgeon US to death, the Sunday before Memorial Day. I simply could not bear one more blow.

Something he probably doesn’t even know.

He was so wrapped up in his own;  “whatever”.

The entire experience gutted me. I cannot seem to shake it off, nor the circumstances that surrounded US, as we sought a connection.  I have been quite literally reduced to guttural sounds, such is my inexpressible and insatiable longing.

My heart has been traumatized and tortured by someone I treasure like no other. I can feel it labor to beat as it shuts down. I am helpless to stop it. I don’t even want to. I hope I bleed out. I’m up in there rooting for it to close. Rooting for my own demise.

Rooting around for reasons why you didn’t come closer, Baby~

 

5/26/2020-6/3/2020